102 Self-Help Books You Can Do Without

(Originally appeared in Radar, October 2007)

#1. I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Get Off My Face #2. He’s Just Not That Into You: He’s Into Your Hotter, Less Whiny Friend #3. Seven Habits of Highly Successful Dock Whores #4. The Book About Angels for Morons #5. Suck It Up: No One in the Sudan Has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome #6. Chicken Soup for the Impotent #7. Six Weeks and $80,000 in Elective Surgery to a Better You #8. All I Really Need to Know I’ve Ignored Since Medical School #9. Suicide: Do It #10. The Tapeworm Diet #11. Who Moved My Bowels? #12. A Friendly Guide to Cockfighting #13. One Birth Under a Groove: An Extraordianary Guide to Natural Childbirth at Jam-Band Festivals #14. 101 Things You Might Have Accomplished if You Could Travel Back in Time to the Moment You Began Reading This Book Title #15. Giving Yourself a Colonic . . . the Ancient Native-American Way #16. 101 Inspirational Speeches to Deliver in the Midst of a Race Riot #17. What the Bible Says About Asians #18. Seducing Women with Only Your Guile, Your Positive Attitude, Your Huge Cock, and $1,000,000 in Cash #19. Feel Better With Fudge! #20. Bill O’Reilly: Who’s Lookin’ Out for Your Loofah Zone? #21. Anal Only: Raising Your Christian Teen as a Technical Virgin #22. Tokyo on $750 a Day #23. 1,001 Vocabulary Words to Memorize But Not Grasp the Nuances of #24. Life Sucks: Committing To Cynicism For The Long Haul #25. Shut Up About Your Dead Wife Already! Dating After 60 #26. Really, Must You? Sex After 70 #27. Artist, Inventor, Genius: How to Think Like Leonardo (DiCaprio) #28. Buy Low, Eat Crayons: Stock Market Advice From a Retarded Person #29. The Three Numbers That Just Might Help You Win Powerball #30. Breaking the Yeast Curse With Deepak Chopra #31. The Joy of Grave Robbing #32. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex But Were Tasered for Asking Previously #33. Loving What the Hell’s Her Name? A Guide for the Parent of the Unexceptional Child #34. Conquer Loneliness . . . One Flamboyant Moustache Style at a Time #35. The South Coney Island Beach Diet #36. GARY IZ A FAG: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls #37. I’m Okay, You’re Suffering From an Incredibly Rare Strain of Tuberculosis #38. Children’s Unopened and Unanswered Letters to God #39. The Elusive Male Orgasm #40. TRACY U NEED TO GET YOUR OWN MAN CUZ YOU A SKANK! The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls for Women #41. Conflict Resolution, the Pol Pot Way #42. “I’ll Give You Something to Cry About”: Insights and Inspiration From Alcoholic Dads #43. Conquer Loneliness . . . Fifteen Cats at a Time #44. 12 Days to a Thinner, Weirder-Looking Penis #45. 20 Places to Visit Before They’re Ethnically Cleansed #46. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (And It’s All Small Stuff): Unless You’re Reading This in a Burn Unit #47. The Child of Your Field Hockey Coach Has Two Mommies #48. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amputation #49. Zen and the Art of Eating a Hoagie #50. So,

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You’re Attracted to Grandma #51. I Beat Cancer Using the Power of Laughter, and a Rigorous and Painful Schedule of Chemotherapy #52. If You Don’t Buy Exactly 73 Copies of This Book, Something Terrible Will Happen: Mastering Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder #53. What Color Are Your Parachute Pants? #54. Numerology: Unleash the Cosmic Power of Second-Grade Math #55. 437 Middle-Age Women Share Anecdotes About Menopause for Some Reason #56. Flavor Flav’s Illustrated Kama Sutra #57. God Is Great! (But Can He Help Me with My Horrific Gas?) #58. Dr. Phil Grudgingly Fulfills His Publishing Contract: The Audiotape #59. Your Values Are Just So Sickeningly Bourgeois: An Oberlin Sophomore Sets You Straight #60. Masturbate Your Way to Success #61. Yesterday Was Yesterday: Living Each New Day as if You Hadn’t Already Ruined Your Life #62. Break Your Caffeine Addiction! . . . One Crushed Ritalin Tablet at a Time #63. Neurosurgery for Dummies #64. Six Weeks to Thicker Ankles #65. Half on the Fridge, Half on the Countertop: And 364 Other Meth-Fueled Sex Positions #66. Are You Sure You Want Seconds? Instilling Your Child’s Eating Disorder #67. How to Neglect the Clitoris #68. 101 Half-Truths to Tell Your Mother About the Nursing Home #69. The All Food-Court Diet #70. You Have No Idea What Sadness Is, Young Man #71. 1000 Reasons Why Everyone Hates Your Stupid Face #72. My Bottom Is My Own: Explaining Incarceration To Kids #73. The Buttafuoco Touch #74. I Live in the Woods Beneath a Sheet of Corrugated Cardboard—And You Can, Too! #75. Drink Yourself Married #76. Natural Cures Using Counterfeit Pharmaceuticals “They” Don’t Want You to Know About #77. “I Am a Highly Successful Internet Entrepreneur with Many Wonderful Friends,” and 300 Other Ironclad Lies for Your 20-Year High School Reunion #78. Coping With Your Hideous Vagina #79. I Think My Pimp Has an Anger Problem #80. Unlocking the Genius You’ve Kept in Your Basement for Two Years #81. Git R Done: A Comprehensive, Hilarious Guide to Healing Your Child’s Autism, by Larry the Cable Guy #82. YOU: Grimly Eating Lunch Alone in Your Car #83. Discovering the Feminist You,” by Dr. Maxxx Poonhound #84. Complaining Your Way Into His Heart #85. I Think Def Leppard’s Pretty Rad, Too: Communicating With Today’s Teenager #86. The Enlightened Nut Vendor #87. Move the Fuck to Florida, Already: A Commonsense Approach to Seasonal Affective Disorder #88. Meditation: The Restorative Power of Boredom #89. It’s Okay To Smell Like Feet #90. AIDS, SchmAIDS #91. No-Nonsense Investment Tips From an Assistant Manager at Radio Shack #92. Sorry, Only Happy People Can Get Pregnant #93. Controlling Your Rage With Arson #94. Nostradamus’s Predictions About Your Shitty Life #95. The Dalai Lama Wants You to Have a Jet Ski #96. Now What, Ya Asshole? Life Counseling for the Recently Fired #97. Multitasking While Weeping #98. Does Jesus Love Cupcakes As Much As I Do? #99. A Spiritual Solution to that Nasty Rash on Your Inner Thigh #100. Sweetie, Four of

a Kind Is Normally a Very Special Hand: Explaining to Your Child How You Just Lost the Cat in a Poker Game #101. Listening to Your Inner Cocaine Voice #102. The Great Imam Fatima Hamid, Praise Be His Name, He of the Islamic Republic of Iran, His Honorable Guide to Lovemaking

”“with Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, and Teddy Wayne