125 Reasons We Can’t Sleep

(Originally appeared in Radar, May 2008)

#1. Pajama ass-flap keeps flopping open adorably

#2. Keep hitting speed bumps

#3. Hide-a-Bed too well hidden

#4. Larry King won’t stop snoring

#5. Can’t get those Nazi war crimes out of your head

#6. That roast beef sub you found in the bus station bathroom just ain’t sitting right

#7. Person in next hostel bunk won’t stop screaming out in Afrikaans

#8. Severed horse head is hogging the covers

#9. Couldn’t turn down that third helping of cocaine

#10. Some woman keeps having sex with you

#11. Mistakenly set white noise machine to “Panicked Cattle at Slaughterhouse”

#12. Overcome by polar bear guilt

#13. You’ll sleep when you’re dead, or in 20 minutes—whichever comes first

#14. Breast and ass implants make it difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position

#15. Determined to watch every last bit of cheetah-attack footage on YouTube

#16. Seems like a waste of a hooker, no?

#17. You smoke in bed—specifically, hickory bacon

#18. Because people keep barging into your ATM vestibule

#19. Next door neighbor is hosting a live performance of Drumline

#20. Discovered the Magic Fingers bed you’ve been enjoying has never actually been plugged in

#21. “Hey, asshole! It’s a Shaggin’ Wagon, not a Sleepin’ Jeep!”

#22. You’re the world’s biggest fan of whatever piece of shit is on TV at 3:00 a.m.

#23. Kitschy Virgin Mary night-light from Urban Outfitters suddenly seems in poor taste

#24. Monkey on your back, figuratively, and—for some bizarre reason—literally

#25. Tomorrow you will finally realize your life-long dream: sex with Richard Belzer

#26. Too many high school grudges to settle

#27. Filled humidifier with Red Bull

#28. Keep rolling off roof

#29. Staying up one more hour to see how Ron Popeil will blow your mind this time

#30. Constantly interrupted by Christmas ghosts

#31. Pillow is stuffed with bad checks written to the mob

#32. Still pumped from John Stossel’s latest “Give Me a Break” segment

#33. Recurring nightmares about Sting and his lute

#34. Cage is too small

#35. Neighbor has his car alarm sensitivity set at “Gentle Breeze”

#36. Aliens never seem to run out of things to learn from your rectum

#37. Don’t want to lose place in line for Hannah Montana tickets

#38. Free futon you found behind Applebee’s not the boon you first imagined

#39. New perm too tight

#40. The dream catcher above your bed is on the fritz

#41. Homemade meth is a titch too strong

#42. Trying to catch “Open 24-hrs” Laundromat in a lie

#43. Waiting for Yes keyboard solo to end

#44. Sweating out a garlic binge

#45. Your floor plan: living room, LaGuardia runway, bedroom

#46. Still a little nervous about the wine glass on the corner of the Tempur-Pedic

#47. Because if you don’t live-blog the 3:30 a.m. M.A.S.H. rerun, who the hell will?

#48. The man next to you on the Greyhound just whispered in your ear: “If you’re tired, you can rest your mouth on my genitals.”

#49. The manufacturers of Sleepytime Tea are a bunch of dirty fucking liars

#50. By not sleeping, have seven extra hours each day to drive through store windows

#51. The walls are so thin, you can hear your neighbors arguing about your racist lawn ornaments

#52. Have a feeling tonight will be the night you finally pull the trigger on that Proactiv Solution

#53. Shouldn’t have eaten that last bowl of deep-fried duck embryos from Chinatown

#54. Magic Eightball keeps requesting you to “ask again later”

#55. The Land of Nod is actually a total shithole

#56. Haven’t changed your Facebook status in almost three hours

#57. Clinging for dear life to a piece of flotsam

#58. Restless tongue syndrome

#59. Big baby need new diaper and bottle to go night-night

#60. Won’t sleep until you finish reading the latest Borowitz Report entry, even if it takes all freakin’ night

#61. Turns out Adderall tastes a lot like Mike and Ikes

#62. Cable guy is supposed to arrive between midnight and four

#63. Saw something on Dateline about how sleeping causes kidney failure

#64. Fallujah Hilton is not as you remember it

#65. Keeping yourself up by repeatedly saying out loud, “Mrs. Bret Michaels”

#66. Crawled into tent to discover Charlie Sheen rolling on a condom

#67. Tomorrow you’re telling your handicapped son he’s adopted and loved a little less than the others

#68. Because somewhere, right now, homosexuals are engaging in sodomy

#69. You just had to take that voodoo priest’s parking spot, didn’t you?

#70. Pancake griddle no substitute for heating pad

#71. Roommate practicing his Tuvan throat singing

#72. Biohazard suit a tad too warm

#73. Your hammock is suspended over the mouth of a volcano

#74. Still trying to figure out what you’re supposed to think of Diablo Cody

#75. Your brain wants to sleep but your body wants to get rid of all that corn liquor

#76. Keep forgetting the chorus to “Safety Dance”

#77. Your man didn’t love you right

#78. Can’t remember where you put that baby

#79. Had eyelids removed to appear more youthful and alert

#80. Thinking about how sweet life’s going to be once you’re a Suicide Girl

#81. Perfecting the line “Now give me the meat hammer” for tomorrow’s porn shoot

#82. Should have never ordered Ambien from Craigslist

#83. Keep hearing the heartbeat of a guy buried alive in the wall

#84. Still feel you have to sit in front of Best Buy all night to get a PlayStation 3

#85. Plotting next moves in your 14 simultaneous games of Scrabulous

#86. Sudoku

#87. Dad claimed there are no monsters under the bed “because the real monsters lurk inside our hearts”

#88. New cellmate is kind of handsy

#89. Impatiently awaiting news of Ace of Base reunion

#90. In hindsight, shouldn’t have filled the water bed with moray eels

#91. The telethon’s not going to watch itself

#92. Still trying to think of a better comeback than “Yeah, well, that’s merely your opinion, Simon Cowell!”

#93. You wet your sleeping bag

#94. Suddenly realized you chose the path most traveled

#95. Stupid baby in your stomach keeps trying to get born

#96. Having second thoughts about green-lighting “Untitled Tom Sizemore Project”

#97. That guard won’t stop shining his goddamn flashlight in your eyes

#98. Contract with the devil expired 45 minutes ago

#99. Still haunted by Prince of Tides

#100. Really half-assed that customer-service comment card at Taco Bell

#101. Husband always insisting on the top bunk

#102. By your calculations, there’s a 30 percent chance Freddy Kruger really does exist

#103. Anxious over whether wife and mistress will notice each other on the mattress

#104. Your parakeet is retarded and a little more chatty than necessary

#105. Stressing over big interview with assistant manager at mall jellybean store

#106. Obsessive thoughts/samurai armor weighing heavily on you

#107. Midnight was a bad time to finish that hot dog”“eating contest

#108. Living as a stowaway inside Neil Peart’s bass drum

#109. Napped for about 15 hours in the afternoon

#110. Too curious if people are falling for your “Open Eyes” gag glasses

#111. Can’t stop worrying about Britney


#113. Watched Kirk Cameron documentary on evolution before bed

#114. Every time you close your eyes, your roommate punches you in the face

#115. “Buddy, you pissed off the wrong bounty hunter.”

#116. Fascinated by rising bubbles in your dentures glass

#117. Sure, you’ve got TiVo, but it’s not the same as seeing that ShamWow infomercial in real-time

#118. Orangutan side-kick keeps making raspberries and flipping us off

#119. Lost in the fantasy of being Stallone’s son

#120. You try sleeping on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange!

#121. Mind buzzing with new strategies of how to seduce Anna Wintour

#122. When lying down, can’t resist the temptation to levitate

#123. Shouldn’t have caught the Faces of Death marathon on cable

#124. Turns out, fried calamari and Nutella do not mix well

#125. Can’t get those goddamn ice skates off

–With Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, and Ted Travelstead