Eight Yoga/Meditation Exercises
Involving Paul Reiser

(Originally appeared on Sweet Fancy Moses, April 19 2003)

(No socks allowed.)

1. “Quick Paul Breath”

Breath, breath, breath, in and out, in and out. Pretend to kiss an imaginary Paul Reiser on his warm, moist forehead. Look into the past. Imagine that you are (with both legs pleasantly crossed) shopping for a large wheel of cheese (sharp) in the shape of Paul’s glorious head. Adore yourself and how this feels!

2. “Proud Paul”

Begin in a standing position. Inhale, exhale. Retreat into your mind. As you exhale, you find yourself sitting with Paul Reiser in a very public park. You are spoon-feeding this gentle genius yogurt, and you can only smile as he dribbles a raspberry-spoonful onto his crisp, khaki slacks. As you inhale, look over your shoulder, with great care, and imagine that there is a man standing behind a tree watching the both of you; you quickly come to realize that this man is masturbating. Be strong within yourself. Be a star!

3. “The Paul Train”

Join hands with your partner and dance in an interpretive fashion. You: fully clothed. Your partner: dressed only in a satin robe, with Paul Reiser’s initials—in cursive, in yellow (his favorite color)—stitched onto the back. Keep your elbows behind you and down. And recite, while breathing noisily through your nose, every line of dialogue ever uttered on Mad About You, trying not to weep, it is all too painful, it is all too personal, the soundtrack to your life…then: lengthen your spine. Open your heart. Feel Paul deep within you. Moan softly.

4. “Rural Paul Ecstasy”

Close your eyes and take three unhurried inhalations and exhalations. You are standing in the middle of a glorious, deserted mountain stream. Paul Reiser stands before you. He is nude. You, too, are nude. You are tickling his hairless armpits. Continue to fly within the dark and deliciously dank forest of your imagination … until you are picking mushrooms with Paul right by your side. After ten breaths open your eyes. Dissolve into the earth below and the sky above. You are free!

5. “Paul’s Grass Carpet”

Get down on all fours. With palms touching the floor, raise your buttocks high in the air. Inhale, while carefully spreading your fingers. Picture yourself floating up and out of the room, above the glistening valleys, into new worlds, into new states of awareness, there has never been anything as beautiful as this, never, and yet it is now time to float through the clouds below, through the stagnant, mid-summer air, and then into a sit-down lawn-mower, engine purring harmonically. Paul Reiser’s expansive lawn needs mowing and you are just the person for the job. Also, the shrubbery that surrounds Paul’s mansion needs extensive pruning. You are wearing a damp tank top. Feel the Paul connection!

6. “Night and Paul”

Sweep your arms out in front of you and perform a fake swan dive. Reach down and stick your head between your legs. Tickle your soft. Suddenly, without warning, it is nighttime within your inner-self, and you are placing Paul Reiser into a bunk-bed in the shape of a racing car. Your pelvis is reaching towards the heavens. Paul is sucking on a red lolly and he is holding a large cube of ice. Sit down (quickly) on your tightly-clenched buttocks. Find yourself taking the ice and dropping it (with conviction) down your pants. Locate that perfect mixture of pain and comfort. This night is controlled by Paul Reiser. Honor it.

7. “Mythic Paul”

Perform a somersault. Come to a stop before an imaginary mythic animal (tall and proud). Paul Reiser sits atop this powerful beast, reins held firmly within his leather-gloved hands. “May I help you down, dear sir?” you ask, shyly. “No, leave me be,” he replies, flicking a pebble your way. Clap your hands twice and alternate your breathing through your mouth and your nostrils. Ask again: “May I help you down, dear sir?” While awaiting Paul’s answer, chant (softly) all of your inner-most secrets that somehow relate to Paul. Your paths are intertwined through history. You are both heroes and you know it. Rejoice! Live clean!

8. “Paul & Fudge, Together Forever”

Roll over on your back. Eat a slab of birthday fudge. Pretend that Paul Reiser has cooked it just for you. You are clearly in heaven, as it is hot and yummy and loaded with peanuts. Paul Reiser equals joy. Do the fudge!