Geoff Sarkin is Using Twitter!

(Co-written with Scott Rothman. Originally appeared in The New Yorker, April 12 2010)

Fixing bowtie. Last moment of freedom! Putting out cig, making sure breath doesn’t smell . . . Ok! Let’s get married!

Walking down aisle. Stopping. Family and friends waiting for me to finish update. Patience, people! And . . . done.

Yes! Yes, I DO take Helen to be my lawfully-wedded wife! Rabbi, please respond when you receive this Tweet.

Also, confirm that it’s wedded with two d’s.

Two d’s right? Thought so. And we’re good to go? Oh, yes, the kiss! LOL

Still LOLing.

Helen not laughing, maybe she will in a sec—

No, still not laughing.

Kiss is wonderful. Better than expected!

Attempting to fist-bump rabbi. He’s nodding NO. Not cool! Now what? Anyone know where the receiving line is?

For those of you at the end of the line, yes it’s really boring, I know! Redskins are losing, by the way. BIG surprise.

Ending receiving line early. To everyone still waiting: THANK YOU FOR TRYING. Send your good wishes to geoff.sarkin8@gmail.com

Attaching photo of Aunt Bess looking into camera-phone telling me to put down camera-phone. Not a bad shot, if I say so myself.

At reception now. Someone do me a kindness? Google “Wedding Dance + Instructions + ‘Always on My Mind.’” Thx.

Uncle Bob from Australia came! Can’t believe he flew 22 hours for this! Just after triple-bypass!

Uncle Bob trying to talk to me. Sending u email, Uncle. Kind of busy now, obviously

Can’t see b/c Helen just smashed wedding cake in my face. Now have cake all over Iphone.

Not funny baby. Can’t seem to use the exclamation point now

Now I can!!!!!!!!!!

Guests starting to leave. Check Facebook when you get home, people. Might just be a virtual bouquet of flowers waiting.

A little mass-email to say, “I love u all, even if I did forget some of your names”

Checking in at hotel. It’s ok, not great. Just kidding! It rocks! Good Iphone reception. Walking to room. Redskins lost, btw. SUCKS.

Alone at last! Luckily Cowboys also lost! Watching video of our first wedding dance—see http://bit.ly/1hR8s. Helen looks ravishing!

Thanks, Max, for taking over while I shot video!

Geoff Sarkin will be out of office until 4/27. On his honeymoon & not to be disturbed! Someone at work please post this on system tomorrow?

BTW, how did Beth in marketing do on her run last weekend? And what was flavor of the Friday donut?

Need to know ASAP! Don’t care what time of night it is!!!!!!!!!

Nude and waiting for wife to enter bed

Anyone see the repeat of Law & Order last night?

The new Lady Gaga video is crazy scary!

Would u rather be an elephant or a giraffe? I’d rather be a giraffe. Not sure why. They seem happy. Must be the size of the neck . . .

Wife getting into bed.

Oral sex has commenced. Taking off dress sock . . . and now the other . . . Oral sex has commenced again.

Helen seems to be enjoying self. Anyone out there have any oral sex stories they care to share? They’re usually pretty funny

Making love now. Check out this amazing article on the guy who invented wonton soup http://tinyurl.com/yftcny6

What’s that part called again? Aireola? Eereola? Areola?

DAMN! JUST MY LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I love double chocolate donuts! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! SAVE ONE!!!!!!!

Before I forget . . . Marnie, can you check to see if my computer is off?

@ MarnieAlwysTired Because I like to “think green” that’s why! Jeez, Marnie. Shout out to the environment, hey ya! What! What!

Still love-making

No change since last update.

Helen orgasming. I’m changing Facebook status to “Married.”

Helen still going. Sending in-laws Facebook “poke.” Important to maintain good relations

Ceiling shadows look like sea creatures! I take it back. Don’t want to be giraffe. Def want to be sea creature! Cos they swim so fast?

Helen finished and off to bathroom

Finishing my orgasm now

Think I might hit the hay. Exhausted! Will check back in at 3 am everyone! Still thinking of Lady Gaga and sea creatures. What a day.

It IS Areola! Thought so. Thanks, Dad. Is it too soon to call you “dad”?

Uh oh. Having 2nd thoughts about marriage. Ha. JOKING! This is the best!

Nighty night everyone! Tweet y’all REAL soon . . .

Taking off bow tie now.