doggy-style

Introducing Yelp for Sex Positions

(Originally appeared on GQ, October 2014)

 

Doggy-Style

good for seniors: Not even a little
noise level: Loud (like turning lights on in a kennel)
attire: Whatever. Can’t see the other person, anyway.
wheelchair accessible: …Maybe?


Reviewer:
Teddy T.
This position is “okay.” People used to rave about this position as one of the classiest around, and I’m kinda confused as to WHY? To me it’s just the equivalent of a big tourist trap that everybody visits and pretends to like!


Reviewer:
Jen R.
The timing here was really unpredictable. One time it took TWO minutes! The next, 25 minutes! That’s annoying and disappointing.


Reviewer:
Nathan R.
Worst position EVER. The pumping & grinding was second-rate. On top of that, the motions were limp and unappetizing, the penetration point wasn’t as crisp as I had hoped for, and there was an overall sense of sadness involved. Plus I found a hair in my mouth that wasn’t mine or my partner’s. Yuck! Consider yourself warned.

···

Reverse Cowgirl

good for groups: Yes
good for seniors: Terrible for seniors
noise level: Moderate
attire: Western
wheelchair accessible: Yee-ha!


Reviewer:
Denise B.
Being from rural Oklahoma and growing up seeing real cowgirls in action, I really wanted to love this, but alas, it did not live up to the hype. My husband didn’t seem to mind it (I know this because he kept saying, “I don’t mind this”), but I actually lost my bearings a few times, and at no point did I feel like a cowgirl, reverse or otherwise. Don’t think I’ll be trying this one again unless it’s my husband’s birthday or he asks me super politely.


Reviewer:
Don D.
To be perfectly honest, I would have given this position five stars if the chick I was banging didn’t have a tattoo of the lead singer of Blues Traveler eating an ice cream sundae on her back that I had to stare at the whole time.


Reviewer:
Rebecca P.
Really used to like this position, but I think it’s gone downhill since it moved to a new location.

···

Sixty-Nine

good for groups: Yes
good for seniors: Best under age 69
noise level: Deafening
attire: Business on top, ass-naked on bottom
wheelchair accessible: Why not?

Reviewer: Casper the Friendly Host
Tried this with my girlfriend. We couldn’t quite pull off making a “69.” I think we looked more like a giant meteorological symbol for “hurricane,” which is fitting, because we both nearly died. Still catching my breath and applying Bengay to the base of my spine.


Reviewer: Anastasia Z.
As a single mother, I like how this position condenses two time-sucking (pun totally intended) activities into one. Sure, it’s hard to 100 percent concentrate on either act, but c’mon, you think EACH of my kids gets my FULL ATTENTION at ALL TIMES? Get real, people. It’s 2014. We all have things to do.


Reviewer:
Rex T.
What can I say? I’m a numbers guy, so I like how straightforward this position is. Both participants have their tasks literally smack-dab in front of them.

···

Backseat-of-a-Rented-Honda-Civic-in-an-Empty-Lot-in-Cleveland

good for groups: Yes
good for marriage: No
noise level: Awkward
attire: Business-conference casual
wheelchair accessible: Yes


Reviewer:
Raj V.
I flew into Cleveland on a business trip and heard that this position was very popular in the Rust Belt, but…what a disaster! I meet my “professional lady of the night,” and she doesn’t accept Groupon. Strike number one!


Reviewer:
John G.
Turn OFF the GPS system while you’re rocking. Mine kept saying, “In a quarter mile, turn left at Call Your Wife and Kids.” WOULD NOT RECOMMEND THIS ONE!!!!!!


Reviewer:
Erik B.
If you don’t want people staring, park FAR away from the methadone clinic.


Reviewer:
Raj V.
UPDATE: After my first post, I heard from the woman I tried to Groupon—she was upset about the review. Sorry, I stand by my two stars. But I accept your invitation to try to raise it to THREE stars next time I’m in Cleveland. Thanks, Tatiana!

···

Missionary

good for groups: No
good for kids: No
noise level: Quiet
attire: Unimaginative
wheelchair accessible: Depends on wheelchair


Reviewer:
Billy T.
Longtime Yelp reviewer, first-time missionary positioner. Advice: Definitely blast something more exciting than “The Diane Rehm Show.”


Reviewer: Alex K.
This position looks like two manatees coupling, but actually, it’s pretty fun— similar to ridin’ on a Slip’N Slide, except with explosions going off in your groin. I’m no historian, but I’m guessing the cavemen favored this one for damn good reason!


Reviewer:
TonyBone Z.
Are y’all old? If you ain’t, DON’T GO NEAR IT!


Reviewer:
Clara P.
I disagree with the other reviewers. My experience was great. Came in 30-45 minutes as promised. No surprises. Basic. Consistently adequate.