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Jennifer Benson’s UFO Abductee Blog

(Originally appeared on McSweeneys. Written with Bob Powers)

Hey, it’s Jen! So let’s get right to it. As you all know, I’ve been abducted at least once a week for the past twenty-odd years and yet . . . I can NEVER remember the process being so ridiculously aggravating! Last night, aliens awoke me, as usual, at 3 am. They were all standing around the bed. Fine. So far so good. But then things spiraled totally out of control: took more than FIVE HOURS to be processed and taken aboard the craft against my will. Lead alien looked totally overwhelmed and frazzled. Can’t blame her, it’s not her fault, she’s just an alien underling, but FIVE HOURS?! Craft was JAM-PACKED with other abductees, all looking just as MISERABLE. Another prisoner was sitting in my assigned seat, which was filthy with some kind of crumbs. Beyond that, I have ALWAYS had a window (albeit a SMALL window) to look out at Earth as we’ve zoomed away. Not this time. Not sure if a new planet is running this operation but wish they’d go back to the way it used to be . . . and SOON!

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Jen here. Is anyone else nostalgic for the days of getting anally probed without having to fill out a million insurance forms? Without proving that you have no allergies to this mysterious intergalactic alloy? Without the alien nurse having to call her superiors back on the home planet to get the “go ahead”? Without lying nude for hours, cold and shivering, waiting for the alien doctor to finish with all his other probes so he can find the time for you? I could just have easily chosen my own gastroenterologist, the very capable (and much more convenient), Dr. Epstein, for a rectal probe. Then again, he doesn’t accept Aetna and the aliens do. FRUSTRATING!!!!!

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It’s your loyal UFO abductee Jen. Last night’s UFO trip was okay. Went God knows where and returned with a slight headache and a missing back tooth. Nothing unusual. What I AM upset about are all these extraterrestrial crop circles scattered throughout my farm. Sorry, did I say circles? I meant ugly, haphazard OVALS! When I lodged a formal complaint, a portly alien showed up in a dented UFO and told me that the circles looked “just fine” to him, but that he would try to come back the next day between the hours of 10 and 6, and could I make a point of being home? He added that he could “make no promises,” as several crop-circle projects needed to be completed around the world. Fat E.T. never did return!! And… making matters even worse, the implant that Space Bozo embedded in my brain (TOTALLY against my will) has since conked out—SECOND TIME THIS MONTH! It’s now IMPOSSIBLE to reach this creature, telepathically or otherwise! What in the world happened to CELESTIAL WORKMANSHIP?! Bye-bye, intergalactic quality!

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I can barely write this my hands are shaking so hard. REALLY, REALLY UPSET! Obviously, I’m definitely NOT the high maintenance type who complains about the baffling, gelatinous “food” that aliens feed you during an abduction or the tedium of the waking autopsy you have to endure. However… one thing I CANNOT handle is WHEN I MISS A CONNECTION! You ever experienced the “joy” of sprinting through the corridors of a distant spaceport with your abductors, all of their probes and manacles rattling in their luggage, just to try and make it to the next outdated cosmic vessel before it hyperdrives? And all because of their incompetence with scheduling? NOT A FUN TIME! I was supposed to meet a girlfriend for an early dinner. That did not happen. Exasperating!!

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Jen at your UFO service! Hi! Just got back from my first water abduction. I was on the shore of Lake McConaughy, just minding my business, reading, when an orb arose and swallowed me into its pulsating light, pulling me down to the lake’s bottom and then to the recently-built underground colony near the Earth’s core. NEVER AGAIN! Here’s the thing: When you colonize a settlement in the center of a distant planet WAY AHEAD of schedule, there are going to be problems—especially with the plumbing. WHAT WAS THE RUSH?! There were days when the entire subterranean base turned into a sloshing sewer. My captors couldn’t begin to understand why I was complaining so much . . . here’s a hint: Maybe it was because I was the ONLY ONE down there with a nose??? Also, IS THERE NOT ONE ALIEN WHO UNDERSTANDS ENGLISH?! Maybe they didn’t hear me. While I did enjoy having my consciousness reconstructed so that I am now witness to the formation and destruction of the universe and all of time as if it were one contained event, I wouldn’t do this again. Or at least until they get all the kinks worked out. UGH!

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Hey all! It’s Jen, your favorite UFO gadfly. Been a while. Anyway… I’d absolutely love to discuss my last abduction . . . but it never happened! Oh, the ship chose me, sure, but I ended up getting beamed up and then spending three years twiddling my manacled thumbs in an empty waiting room. They claimed the decontamination bay was on the fritz due to a glitch . . . but they were having trouble reaching the outsourced I.T. crew… who were, of course, ON ANOTHER CRAFT… floating over India! Typical! Ultimately, they dropped me back on an empty country road and cancelled my abduction. Had to explain to my husband where I was for the past few years. I’m going to sound negative, but all these aliens care about now is procedure and protocol. AM I WRONG? I remember a time when their number one priority was affectionately draining my blood and replacing it with a secretive foamy substance that made me shake and levitate. That doesn’t happen anymore. The universe is going downhill big time. BELIEVE IT! Until next week . . .