Krazy Kris!




January 1

Me: “Listen, can’t we talk about this some other time?”

Jen: “Some other time when? Our finances are a disaster! If we don’t take care of this situation now, we’re going to have to take out a second mortgage. So when do you plan—”

Krazy Kris: “Did someone say mortgage? That reminds me of a joke. What did the man say to the—”

Jen: “Who in the hell is this?”

Me: “That’s Krazy Kris! I hired him to provide comic relief! You know, for our relationship! For our lives!”

Jen: “Where did he come from?”

Me: “A special agency. For couples who are a little down. Anyway, look! He’s taking off his shirt! He’s popping his ample stomach in and out! Isn’t this fantastic? Honey? Yes?”

Jen: “How is he supporting himself? What exactly are you paying him?”

Me: “Our 401k. Relax, it’s worth it.”

Jen: “Now he’s performing somersaults on our living room floor.”

Me: “This guy can do anything. Isn’t he amazing?”

March 3

Wife: “I really don’t know what to do about my mother. We should talk about assisted care versus independent care—”

Krazy Kris: “Look at me, everybody! I’m making balloon animals!”

Wife: “For the love of . . . he has to make an appearance every time we have a fight? How does he even know when to come over?”

Me: “I have him paged.”

Wife: “He’s now playing a tuba and marching in step . . . I can’t hear myself think!”

Me: “Louder! Louder!”

April 6

Jen: “Are you aware that Krazy Kris is standing at the edge of our bed?”

Me: “I figured we needed to lighten things up a bit in the bedroom. Mind?”

Jen: “What’s that standing next to him?”

Me: “What does it look like? It’s a miniature donkey! Krazy Kris rented it for the night. Isn’t she adorable!”

Jen: “We haven’t made love in months!”

Me: “It’s the perfect remedy to take our minds off our problem! Kris, make the donkey bray! Do it!”

January 5

Krazy Kris: “Anyone up for some spin-art fun? Hey, where’s your wife?”

Me: “At her brother’s in Tampa—she just moved out.”

Krazy Kris: “That’s terrible, I’m sorry.”

Me: “It had absolutely nothing to do with you, Krazy. Entertain me please . . . I need it now more than ever.”

Krazy Kris:“Bunny hop! Grab on tight, folks! We’re goin’ for a ride!”

March 13

Krazy Kris: “Seen the TV remote?”

Me: “Aren’t you going to amuse me?”

Krazy Kris: “How much can I amuse you already? Four hours isn’t enough?”

Me: “When you first got here, you’d amuse me all day. How about a somersault?”

Krazy Kris: “Actually, my head is killing me. Maybe later?”

Yesterday

Krazy Kris: “I think my troubles first started in college. Women could never relate to me as anything more than a friend. Always the funny guy, you know?”

Me: “God, you’re a bore. What’s the matter with you lately?”

Krazy Kris: “I guess even clowns have their off months, sue me. Life ain’t all about the gags. Pass the remote.”

Today

Krazy: “Seen the heating pad? My back is on fire. Oh, I’m in such a mood!”

Me: “Krazy Kris, I think we need to talk.”

Krazy Kris: “About what? And by the way, my real name’s Christopher.”

Me: “I miss the juggling, the spontaneity, the animal tricks. It’s not like it used to be.”

Krazy Kris: “Welcome to life, big man.”

Me: “All I’m saying is that we need to have a little chat.”

Krazy Kris: “Ha! Give me a break! Who are you, my father? Here we go again! Pick, pick, pick! Like a goddamn crow!”

Me: “Well, I am paying your rent! And for your food! So, yes, maybe I am your father!”

Krazy Kris: “Shut up!”

Me: “Excuse me? Who are you to talk to me like that? Who—”

Mr. Pickles: “Put your hands in the air! Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care!”

Krazy Kris: “Who in the hell is this? And why is he wearing a gigantic rainbow wig and playing the ukulele?”

Mr. Pickles: “They call me Mr. Pickles! C’mon, everybody! Dance! Dance! Dance your problems away!”