Whoops!

(Originally appeared on McSweeney’s, January 26 2006)

To: All Staff 9:12 AM Subject: Whoops, Sorry About That Last E-Mail!
I’d just like to apologize for the last e-mail, which I sent to “All Staff.” I meant to send it to my friend Alex Stafford. It was a mistake. Sorry.

To: All Staff 10:14 AM Subject: Clarification on Apology E-Mail!
I want to apologize for not being entirely clear in my last e-mail. Let me try to be more specific: originally, I was attempting to send my friend Alex Stafford (not All Staff) an e-mail on horses and how I’ve always liked to watch horses run. I then made a leap into the realm of the imaginary. Again, I do apologize.

To: All Staff 11:01 AM Subject: re: what the fuck?!
Wow. Today just ain’t my day! I’ve been told that I have more “explaining” to do, re: “the realm of the imaginary.” So here goes: I probably should have told you that for the past two years, give or take a few months, I’ve imagined myself as a talking horse and that, as this talking horse, I’ve ruled a fantasy kingdom populated by you guys, my co-workers. The 27 images I included in the first e-mail are, in fact, Photoshop montages, not actual photos. Carry on!

To: All Staff 12:20 PM Subject: re: You Have More Explaining to Do About Those Images!
There are days and there are days! Perhaps I’m not expressing myself as well as I should. I guess that’s why I’m in accounting and not PR! Okay, let’s start from the

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very beginning. In this imaginary world I’ve created, I’m a talking horse. Simple. You guys are my servants. All of you have kept your real names, but your “imaginary” selves have taken on new roles in my fantasy land. A quick example:
“Mary Jenkins” from benefits is a fair maiden who was born in a stable and grew up to fall in love with “Chris Topp” from payroll, who works as a candle maker and sleeps behind the bar in the tavern run by “Wayne Harris” from the mailroom, who is secretly seeing “April Kelly” from office services, who works as my “horse girl” and soaps me down every night before I sleep on my bed of hay. Is this making more sense? For the record, all Photoshop images are a combination of photos found on the Internet and your headshots from the company directory. Steve, I’m about ready for lunch if you are.

To: All Staff 1:23 PM Subject: re: I Feel Violated!!!
Imagine my surprise to return from lunch only to find hundreds of e-mails in the ol’ inbox! Seems that quite a few of you have additional questions concerning the roles that each of you play within my magical fantasy land. Sigh. It’s really quite simple:
“Hope Marks” from the nurse’s office refuses to sleep with “Darryl Russell” from security because Darryl is a centaur (see image #6) and Hope is a unicorn (image #3). “Kathryn Haynes” from marketing has caught wind of this because she was born with over-size ears (image #14) and can hear literally everything. She also tends to walk around the village nude (image #8) and sleep with anyone who happens to be available; in one instance, she cavorts with “Jamie Devine” from payroll by the banks of a river, as “Betsy Schneider” and “Krista Stark” from the cafeteria look on in wonder (image #7). I also look on in wonder (images #4 and #5).
In another instance, “Katy Devine” from special projects climbs to the top of the bell tower that’s located on my castle and makes love to “Doug Benson” from security, as “Jessica McNally” from the nurse’s office braids my tail in a most tender fashion (image #11). She is not wearing a top (image #12) or a bottom (image #13).
Meanwhile, “Alexis Weber” from the front office is an angry dwarf in need of gold. He has just taken on an assignment to kill “Bob Simmons” from purchasing, but only after he has promised “Marina DelGado” from human resources that he will turn her into a good witch by way of a magical spell. This magical spell consists of having sex with a complete stranger (“Mitch Morton,” also from human resources) while riding a white mare, ass-back and fancy free, across a great plane (image #9). The horse, if you haven’t already guessed, is me (image #1). In the background, if you look closely enough, you can just make out “Joe Griggs” from janitorial looking on in wonder (image #2).
Whew! Done! By the way, anyone have the forms for the Milner project? I really need them by this afternoon. Thanks!

To: All Staff 3:12 PM Subject: re: you’re sick!
Holy cripes! Sometimes I wonder if anyone besides me gets any work done around here! I step away from my desk for two seconds and I come back to discover that a thousand more questions have been posed! Don’t get me wrong: I think it’s super that all of you are taking an active interest in my fantasy kingdom, but my goodness! So let me just tie up one loose end and let me do it real, real quick, because I’ve just been notified that I’ve been fired:
Yes, that is you, “Samantha Rymer” from expenses, standing next to a razzleberry bush in image #15. And yes, Samantha, that is indeed a crown of doves perched atop your head, and no, Samantha, those are not your real breasts (images #16-27).
Everyone up to date? I’m really gonna miss all of you! I feel we’ve become especially close over these past two years! And that even goes for “Marina the Good Witch” from human resources! I honestly did not know that “good witches” could get so angry! LOL!


Your Imaginary Leader Who’s Now Waving Goodbye As Kathy from Security Hangs on Tightly and Rides Him (please see attached image),
Mike the Talking Horse