A Leaflet Dropped Over Amy Weller’s House
(Originally appeared in The New Yorker, May 17 2004)
Amy Weller, my girlfriend, my love, please look up. The thousands of brightly colored leaflets that you see cascading down from this rented airplane can only mean one thing: That I am an extremely successful businessman, community leader, boyfriend, bon vivant. There is no denying these facts. To think otherwise would be 100 percent wrong.
More facts: Mike Sacks is dynamite, strong, captivating. Mike Sacks enjoys reading to senior citizens. Mike Sacks enjoys cooking delicious hot meals for strangers. Mike Sacks enjoys telling funny stories, softly and clearly, to immigrants, and to children and, on occasion, to the infirm. You didn’t know about all of this? IT’S TRUE!
Wow! There is just so much that Amy Weller does not know about her boyfriend, Mike Sacks, whom she has not seen for two weeks and who now goes by the slightly more exciting, grownup and respectable name of MICHAEL SACKS.
But what’s that you’re thinking? MICHAEL SACKS is an out-of-work furniture salesman, and has been ever since he slipped on that spilled Frappuccino outside a Starbucks in the Congressional Strip Mall, Rockville, Maryland (7/4/05)? And what’s that you’re also thinking? Could this MICHAEL SACKS be the same handsome-ish gentleman who for years pretended to search for a new job each morning only to end up sitting in the public library all day, sleeping off the effects of deep, unrelenting depression?
Hey, not so fast!
Check out the photorealistic drawings of MICHAEL SACKS that are now being dropped via mini-parachutes into your hands! This new MICHAEL SACKS looks familiar, and yet just the slightest bit . . . different. Check out those MUSCLES! But where did his handlebar mustache go? (Perhaps it no longer exists because MICHAEL SACKS at last came to realize that the mustache, although funny for ironic purposes, did, indeed, look ridiculous.)
You’re confused. Could all this be for real? Why not? MICHAEL SACKS was terrific before, but now he’s superb!
Do you need additional confirmation of these and other facts?
Please turn on your computer at your earliest convenience and check out the new Web site specializing in all things MICHAEL SACKS: www.michaelsacks-michaelsacks.com.
(Please note: www.michaelsacks.com was already taken.)
There you will find a preview of what can be expected from the New & Improved MICHAEL SACKS in the exciting year ahead:
The letter of apology, to be sent to Amy Weller’s parents, regarding last winter’s unfortunate automobile “catastrophe”!
The cosmetic surgery to remove that tattoo of a third eye!
The cosmetic surgery to remove that tattoo of a fourth eye!
(Additional Exciting Projects To Be Announced, July 14, 2009,
at a press conference at T.G.I. Friday’s, Rte. 355!!!)
Amy Weller, didja know . . .
–That MICHAEL SACKS has at last, and on his own accord, thrown out his entire collection of T-shirts with funny sayings (including his very favorite: “Born to Pump!”), even though he’s owned them all for years and they’re still incredibly comfortable to wear?
–That MICHAEL SACKS has a newfound respect for Amy Weller’s need for peace and quiet, and will support her in this desire by not practicing the knee-cymbals at all hours of the day and night, even though he’s dreamed of learning how to play them since watching Dick Van Dyke in “Mary Poppins”?
–That MICHAEL SACKS no longer believes that crafting homemade ceramic bongs in the basement of Amy Weller’s house is a proper way in which to earn extra money, even though the semi-annual “Jam Band Festival” is set to come through town next month and business projections have never, ever looked better?
Amy Weller, what is in a name exactly? If that name is MICHAEL SACKS, tons!
MICHAEL SACKS = A man who isn’t afraid to show his feelings, who can now cry, who will no longer express sadness by locking himself in the rec room and playing adult-themed video games for two days straight, often while in the nude.
MICHAEL SACKS = A man who looks forward to moving back into Amy Weller’s house and acting responsibly, this time by contributing to the mortgage with authentic currency and not with scraps of paper with “Will Pay Later” written on them in crayon.
MICHAEL SACKS = A man with goals and ambition, a boyfriend whom Amy Weller can be proud to bring to public gatherings, who will no longer embarrass Amy Weller at said events by getting drunk and performing his imitation of two wild monkeys coupling.
Yo, girl! There is so much to look forward to with the New & Improved MICHAEL SACKS! Are U Ready 2 Take a Chance on Something Wonderful?
Amy Weller, if the answer is “yes,” please understand that your life’s savings of $13,000 that was borrowed for this campaign was well worth it!!! Look up in the sky! See that man waving from the airplane? He has so much to offer you! Are you convinced now? How about if MICHAEL SACKS unfurls the following banner:
Sweetheart, if there is any possible way that the New & Improved MICHAEL SACKS can figure out how to land this rented plane, he shall be home shortly, moving van in tow. Please have dinner waiting?
MICHAEL SACKS, Certified Private Pilot (April 2010, Projected)
See reverse side for exciting details!