Scared Straight:
The Home Detention Speech

(Originally appeared on The Freedonian, April 17 2001)

Performed by Bob Peretz, 48, home detained since June 1999, tax fraud

Visitor: Steven Rhodes, 23, roofer

June 14, 2003, 10:45 a.m

10321 Beachwood Drive, Rockville, Maryland

Steven Rhodes: “Hello there. I hope I’m not interrupting anything. My name is Steven Rhodes. Mrs. Collins next door told me that you might be interested in having your roof patched. I fixed hers last month. She said that your roof might have a leak, might–

Bob Peretz: “Motherfucker! Look like I’m just sitting around doing nothing? Think this is some type of game? Hanging around my own house like it’s some type of damn fantasy land? Some sort of vacation? Swimming? Dancing? Lying on the beach like a little fucker, soaking up the rays all pretty like? This ain’t a game, motherfucker. Ain’t no amusement park. Now you come here, all cock-eyed and brave, like you own the place. You young. Got your whole life ahead of you and nothing can go wrong, right? Ain’t never gonna die, ain’t never gonna get hurt, maimed. Gonna be pretty forever … pretty little face, pretty little ass. Fucker, let me learn you a lesson or two. Ain’t no La La land in here, little man, ain’t no Narnia … no pigeon-toed unicorns and splay-footed hobbits. This is reality, motherfucker! Reality! Smiling all nervous like. Wipe that shit off your face, bitch! I ain’t no comedian! Think this is funny? Think this is a gag fest? Staying home all day, waiting for those random calls, four times a day, those random visits. Make you piss in a cup. Ain’t no party. You laughing a little harder now. I’ll take that as a yes, motherfucker. I’ll take that as a fuck yes. Look at you, all frightened. Should be, bitch. I’ve seen things nobody should see. Seen things that would make you go stark fucking mad. Insanity, motherfucker. You know what insanity is like? Playing with the big boys, zoom, zoom, they knock you in your place. You thinking, world owes me something. World is all pink fairies and bow ties! Birthday cakes! Spend one night in this stink pot, pussy fuck, won’t be playing with no bow ties any longer. Laughing still harder! You a little fairy, maybe? Little pink-bowed fairy? Think this is still funny? Laughing so hard, you crying! So how about if I come a little closer now? Spittle flying in your face like it belongs there, how you like me now? Getting spat on … get used to it, fucker. Happens all the time in this place. Keep it up, hot dog. A new jack like yourself, wouldn’t last a minute in this hell hole! Jam tart drinking his buck brew, all high and confused and angry, come after you in a second, wouldn’t know what hit you, wouldn’t know the first motherfucking thing. Until you was dead. Bam! Take a whelping, gonna need some helping. Gotta keep the tact in the black. You in my reality now. Take a look at this, Mr. Laughs. How you like it? Ankle bracelet digging in all hard and sharp. Think it’s for show? Gonna impress the little girlies? Can’t leave the house without no buzzer sounding. Little fucker not so cocky then, are you? You starting to ease up on the laughing now, that’s good, not so funny anymore, little man, not so funny, now is it?”

Steven Rhodes: “No, not so funny. Maybe in the fall, then.”

Bob Peretz: “Didn’t quite catch that … louder, bitch! Speak up, this ain’t no tea party–

Steven Rhodes: “In the fall then, I’ll come back in the fall.”

Bob Peretz: “Sounds good, son, I’ll be here. Thank you.”