(Originally appeared on McSweeney's, February 9 2000)

Based on a True Story!


#1. Beverly Oliver, the Babushka lady, and Abraham Zapruder discuss their burgeoning relationship’s inevitable growing pains.

#2. Jacqueline Kennedy and J. Edgar Hoover stand on the grassy knoll: “Mr. Hoover, I will do everything in my power to prevent your wrecking-ball from tearing down the Children’s Community Center.”

#3. Carlos Marcello and Fidel Castro plan the bank heists.

#4. Meanwhile, on the craggy shore of the Amazon River, our exhausted heroes, John and Bobby Kennedy, are met with a festive welcome.

#5. Relaxing at the villagers’ elaborate feast.

#6. But John Kennedy is tricked into capture . . .

#7. . . . and Bobby is to be the next sacrifice. Uh oh!

#8. Held as prisoners in the abandoned diamond mine.

#9. Lee Harvey Oswald and arch-nemesis, Vaughn Meader, prepare for the Championship Karate fight.

#10. The top-secret legal brief!

#11. The car chase between Richard Nixon and Governor Connally continues through the crowded and hilly streets of San Francisco.

#12. Mr. Nixon–standing next to his stalled green pickup truck–attempts to flag down a van full of attractive stewardesses.

#13. “Dick, spread that tanning oil on my back just right!”

#14. Bar fight at Ruby’s Place, where Nixon nurses a black eye . . . and new friend J. Edgar Hoover can only laugh!

#15. The 17-inch MacBook Pro from Apple.

#16. After making love to Beverly by the Union Terminal Tower, Abraham pops the question.

#17. Jackie in the midst of her final argument before the Supreme Court. “In conclusion, Your Honor, you must not allow the Children’s Community Center to be torn down! You can’t! And you must not!”

#18. From one bank to the next, Carlos and Fidel make their presence felt!

#19. Baboo, the talking orangutan, makes everyone laugh!

#20. John and Bobby find a tunnel . . .

#21. . . . that leads to freedom!

#22. Hugs all around!

#23. “I do!” says Beverly. “Yes, I will marry you, Abraham!”

#24. The boat house.

#25. Round 7 . . . Oswald inflicts a karate chop to Vaughn’s torso. How can Vaughn stand the punishment? But what’s this? Is the possum act working?

#26. The car chase wends its way back to Texas, as Nixon and Connally step on it!

#27. The pine-wood outdoor accent by Pottery Barn.

#28. “And so, in light of the brilliant final summation that we have just heard, the Supreme Court rules in favor of Jackie. The Children’s Community Center must not be torn down! It shall stand!”

#29. A smiling J. Edgard Hoover finds it difficult to remain steamed! A good sport, to the end.

#30. The hot-air balloon.

#31. The raspberry Frappuccino Juice Blend from Starbucks.

#32. Beverly and Abraham prepare for their elaborate wedding in the grand foyer of the Children’s Community Center.

#33. Fidel and Carlos count their blessings . . . and their earnings. And feeling generous they exclaim: “Your wedding is on us, Bev and Abe! Think nothing of it!”

#34. Perfection . . . but where are Bobby and Jack?

#35. Arrival . . . in the nick of time!

#36. Nixon and Connally also show up for the laughs . . .

#37. . . . by crashing through the reception!

#38. Uh-oh! Pie fight . . .

#39. “Look out everybody! John Kennedy’s about to get hit with a coconut-cream! Right on the nose! Nice shot, Baboo!”

#40. Framed wedding photo: John, Bobby, J. Edgar, Beverly, Jackie, Abraham, Carlos, Fidel, and the rest of the gang. Friends forever . . .

#41. “And the new Karate Champion is . . . Vaughn!”

#42. “You won this time, Vaughn, but I will be back.”

#43. Freeze-frame.

#44. Sunset.