Things a Man MUST Do Before the Age of 30!
(Originally appeared on McSweeneys. Written with Ted Travelstead)
Eat a super-sized Mexican meal in an airport food court—black beans, saffron rice, dollop of sour cream, pineapple-flavored soda—just before smuggling 40 wax-coated balls of hashish in your tummy on that 22 hour trip to Bangladesh.
Insist on a raise. And then a job.
Show up at your high school principal’s retirement condo and pinch a loaf in front of his doorway because it’s “Spring Prank Time.”
Adopt a homeless drifter and dress him as Radar from the syndicated situation comedy M*A*S*H
Nickname your testicles “Tweedledee” and “Tweedledum”
Squirt milk into the mouths of a waiting row of feral barn cats
Skip through your workplace hallway, dropping strategically placed daisies. Then explain to your fellow cops why it’s “necessary.”
Attend a biker’s convention and tickle the shy one with the swastika forehead tattoo
Watch two very old bonobos rut before a beautiful sunset
Get a whimsical haircut like Moe from the Three Stooges
Crank call Phil Collins
Pay for a foxy lady’s drink in dimes
Break into Howie Mandel’s house and open a cozy B&B, complete with free “fluffy mornin’ biscuits”
Skip along the North Korean DMZ zone playing a penny whistle
Purchase a used copy of Beer Pong For Dummies
Speak live before the United Nations about your belt-buckle collection
Sign official divorce documents in crayon to show folks you’re “still young at heart”
Urinate out the window, at IRS headquarters
Up and go “trampoline trespassing” after downing a jug of Pinot Grigio
Listen—no, really listen—to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Starlight Express
Marry your high school sweetheart. And then tell her.
Hug a hippie
Wear a half-shirt to a bris