124 Reasons We Can’t Sleep

(Originally appeared in Radar, May 2008)

#1. “Hey, asshole! It’s a Shaggin’ Wagon, not a Sleepin’ Jeep!”
#2. Hide-a-Bed too well hidden
#3. Keep hitting speed bumps
#4. Larry King won’t stop snoring
#5. Can’t get those Nazi war crimes out of your head
#6. That roast beef sub you found in the bus station bathroom just ain’t sitting right
#7. Person in next hostel bunk won’t stop screaming out in Afrikaans
#8. Severed horse head is hogging the covers
#9. Couldn’t turn down that third helping of cocaine
#10. Some woman keeps having sex with you
#11. Mistakenly set white noise machine to “Panicked Cattle at Slaughterhouse”
#12. Overcome by polar bear guilt
#13. You’ll sleep when you’re dead, or in 20 minutes—whichever comes first
#14. Breast and ass implants make it difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position
#15. Determined to watch every last bit of cheetah-attack footage on YouTube
#16. Seems like a waste of a hooker, no?
#17. You smoke in bed—specifically, hickory bacon
#18. Because people keep barging into your ATM vestibule
#19. Next door neighbor is hosting a live performance of Drumline
#20. Discovered the Magic Fingers bed you’ve been enjoying has never actually been plugged in
#21. Pajama ass-flap keeps flopping open adorably
#22. You’re the world’s biggest fan of whatever piece of shit is on TV at 3:00 a.m.
#23. Kitschy Virgin Mary night-light from Urban Outfitters suddenly seems in poor taste
#24. Monkey on your back, figuratively, and—for some bizarre reason—literally
#25. Tomorrow you will finally realize your dream: sex with Richard Belzer
#26. Too many high school grudges to settle
#27. Filled humidifier with Red Bull
#28. Keep rolling off roof
#29. Staying up one more hour to see how Ron Popeil will blow your mind this time
#30. Constantly interrupted by Christmas ghosts
#31. Pillow is stuffed with bad checks written to the mob
#32. Still pumped from John Stossel’s latest “Give Me a Break” segment
#33. Recurring nightmares about Sting and his lute
#34. Cage is too small
#35. Neighbor has his car alarm sensitivity set at “Gentle Breeze”
#36. Aliens never seem to run out of things to learn from your rectum
#37. Don’t want to lose place in line for Hannah Montana tickets
#38. Free futon you found behind Applebee’s not the boon you imagined
#39. New perm is too tight
#40. The dream catcher above your bed is on the fritz
#41. Homemade meth is a titch too strong
#42. Trying to catch “Open 24-hrs” Laundromat in a lie
#43. Waiting for Yes keyboard solo to end
#44. Sweating out a garlic binge
#45. Your floor plan: living room, LaGuardia runway, bedroom
#46. Still a little nervous about the wine glass on the corner of the Tempur-Pedic
#47. Because if you don’t live-blog the 3:30 a.m. M.A.S.H. rerun, who the hell will?
#48. The man next to you on the Greyhound just whispered in your ear: “If you’re tired, you can rest your mouth on my genitals.”
#49. Sudoku
#50. By not sleeping, have seven extra hours each day to drive through store windows
#51. The walls are so thin, you can hear your neighbors arguing about your racist lawn ornaments
#52. Have a feeling tonight will be the night you finally pull the trigger on that Proactiv Solution
#53. Shouldn’t have eaten that last bowl of deep-fried duck embryos from Chinatown
#54. Magic Eightball keeps requesting you to “ask again later”
#55. Dreamland is actually a total shithole
#56. Haven’t changed your Facebook status in almost three hours
#57. Clinging for dear life to a piece of flotsam
#58. Restless tongue syndrome
#59. Big baby need new diaper and bottle to go night-night
#60. Won’t sleep until you finish reading the latest Borowitz Report entry, even if it takes all freakin’ night
#61. Turns out Adderall tastes a lot like Mike and Ikes
#62. Cable guy is supposed to arrive between midnight and four
#63. Saw something on Dateline about how sleeping causes kidney failure
#64. Fallujah Hilton is not as you remember it
#65. Keeping yourself up by repeatedly saying out loud, “Mrs. Bret Michaels”
#66. Crawled into tent to discover Charlie Sheen rolling on a condom
#67. Tomorrow you’re telling your handicapped son he’s adopted and loved much less than the others
#68. Because somewhere, right now, homosexuals are engaging in sodomy
#69. You just had to take that voodoo priest’s parking spot, didn’t you?
#70. Pancake griddle no substitute for heating pad
#71. Roommate practicing his Tuvan throat singing
#72. Biohazard suit a tad too warm
#73. Your hammock is suspended over the mouth of a volcano
#74. Still trying to figure out what you’re supposed to think of Diablo Cody
#75. Your brain wants to sleep but your body wants to get rid of all that corn liquor
#76. Keep forgetting the chorus to “Safety Dance”
#77. Your man didn’t love you right
#78. Can’t remember where you put that baby
#79. Had eyelids removed to appear more youthful and alert
#80. Thinking about how sweet life’s going to be once you’re a Suicide Girl
#81. Perfecting the line “Give me the meat hammer” for tomorrow’s porn shoot
#82. Should have never ordered Ambien from Craigslist
#83. Keep hearing the heartbeat of a guy buried alive in the wall
#84. Still feel you have to sit in front of Best Buy all night to get a PlayStation 3
#85. Plotting next moves in your 14 simultaneous games of Scrabulous
#86. The manufacturers of Sleepytime Tea are a bunch of dirty fucking liars
#87. Dad claimed there are no monsters under the bed “because the real monsters lurk inside our hearts”
#88. New cellmate is kind of handsy
#89. Impatiently awaiting news of Ace of Base reunion
#90. In hindsight, shouldn’t have filled the water bed with moray eels
#91. The telethon’s not going to watch itself
#92. Still trying to think of a better comeback than “Yeah, well, that’s merely your opinion, Simon Cowell!”
#93. You wet your sleeping bag
#94. Suddenly realized you chose the path most traveled
#95. Stupid baby in your stomach keeps trying to get born
#96. Having second thoughts about green-lighting “Untitled Tom Sizemore Project”
#97. That guard won’t stop shining his goddamn flashlight in your eyes
#98. Contract with the devil expired 45 minutes ago
#99. Still haunted by Prince of Tides
#100. Really half-assed that customer-service comment card at Taco Bell
#101. Husband always insisting on the top bunk
#102. By your calculations, there’s a 30 percent chance Freddy Kruger really does exist
#103. Anxious over whether wife and mistress will notice each other on the mattress
#104. Your parakeet is retarded and a little more chatty than it should be
#105. Stressing over big interview with assistant manager at mall jellybean store
#106. Obsessive thoughts/samurai armor weighing heavily on you
#107. Midnight was a bad time to finish that hot dog”“eating contest
#108. Living as a stowaway inside Neil Peart’s bass drum
#109. “Buddy, you pissed off the wrong bounty hunter.”
#110. Too curious if people are falling for your “Open Eyes” gag glasses
#111. Can’t stop worrying about Britney
#112. Maybe you’d be able to sleep if the GODDAMN ROOM WOULD STOP SPINNING FOR ONE LOUSY LITTLE MINUTE!
#113. Watched Kirk Cameron documentary on evolution before bed
#114. Every time you close your eyes, your roommate punches you in the face
#115. Napped for about 13 hours in the afternoon
#116. Fascinated by rising bubbles in your dentures glass
#117. Sure you’ve got TiVo, but it’s not the same as seeing that ShamWow infomercial in real-time
#118. Orangutan side-kick keeps making raspberries and flipping us off
#119. Lost in the fantasy of being Stallone’s son
#120. You try sleeping on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange!
#121. Mind buzzing with new strategies of how to seduce Anna Wintour
#122. When lying down, you can’t resist the temptation to levitate
#123. Shouldn’t have caught the Faces of Death marathon on cable
#124. Turns out, fried calamari and Nutella do NOT mix well