Events We Are Actually Glad Were Cancelled

(Originally appeared in New Yorker, May 2020)

Insufferably Hot, Shadeless Outdoor SushiFest 2020

Hologram Tupac Seduces Your Date

Trump Dropping His Tax-Return Envelope Into a Post-Office Box at 11:55 p.m. on April 14th Through His Limo Window and Giving a Thumbs-Up

The Boston Symphony Orchestra Plays the Throat Noises of Rudy Giuliani

Nathan’s Hot-Dog-Processing Contest

Mario Lopez’s Acceptance Speech at the 2020 Pulitzer Prize Ceremony for His Searing Investigative Work on “Access Hollywood”

Craig and Anita’s Paintball Wedding

JarJarCon: A Gathering of Jar Jar Binks Cosplayers and Fetishists

Slide-Whistle Night at Yankee Stadium

Stephen Miller Loses His Virginity

New York City’s Gay Men’s Chorus Sings Solo Sammy Hagar

Kevin Smith Takes a Sativa Gummy and Explains Bitcoin

Cousin Joshua’s Adult Bris

A Weekend at Clothing-Optional M&M’s World

Brian and Lisa’s Gender-Reveal Orgy

NBC Live Event: The Cast of “Friends” Harvests Bone Marrow from a Prisoner

Rick Steves Travel Seminar: Screwing Your Way Across Europe

That New Escape Room Where Every Clue Is Embedded in a Rambling Forty-five-Minute David Lee Roth Monologue About Doo-Wop Music

Uncle Ed’s Annual Garage Fudge Festival

A Night of Apologizing to Phoenix-Area Strippers on Behalf of the Groom

The 2020 Raw-Milk-Salmonella Coachella Porta-Potty Shortage

The “Make America Great Again” Key Party

“Getting Pressured Into Trying the Boss’s Homemade Chia Pudding” Day at Work

The Kid Rock Reads from the Works of Emily Dickinson Tour

Def Misogyny Jam

President Trump’s Private White House Quinceañera for a Hundred Very Lucky Fifteen-Year-Olds

Co-worker’s Vasectomy-Reveal Party

Soccer

–With Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, and Ted Travelstead