142 Reasons You’re Still Single

You . . .

#1. Will do anything for “shits and giggles”

#2. Own a 60-inch flat-screen Plasma television, but sleep on a broken futon

#3. Don’t like Insane Clown Posse’s music per se, but think his philosophy is sound

#4. Have a ferret on your shoulder, and you’re at the mall

#5. Wink in a rakish manner each time you tell a joke

#6. Own tie-dyed gym clothes

#7. Have a five o’clock shadow, on your ass

#8. Own more than one CD with “JAMZ” in the title

#9. Collect ninja throwing stars

#10. Have your “lucky” anal beads hanging from your rear-view mirror

#11. Won’t travel anywhere out of “blading distance”

#12. List “Dungeonmaster” on your business card

#13. Display with pride your framed degree from bartending school

#14. Hug amusement park mascots

#15. Greet acquaintances as “guy”

#16. Use emoticons even in your hand-written letters

#17. Own a “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself” T-shirt and the “Not” Has Faded Away

#18. Initiate wedding line-dances

#19. Cry whenever you listen to Belle and Sebastian and then, still tearful, blog about it

#20. Scream out Wheel of Fortune answers

#21. Store your most precious possessions in a “whatnot chest”

#22. Have only one pick-up line: “Why the long face?”

#23. Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your Prius

#24. Posed shirtless for your MySpace profile

#25. Sleep on WWF sheets

#26. Begin stories with “I’m not a stalker, but . . . ”

#27. Choose the fist bump as your preferred method of greeting, and always insist the other person “lock it in”

#28. Phone-in long-distance love-song dedications

#29. Cruise around town on a Razor Scooter

#30. Eat dinner with an arm guarding your plate, like a death row inmate

#31. Call your therapist from work, on speakerphone

#32. Perform yoga in parks

#33. Own the complete trilogy of Matrix novelizations

#34. Snack on whipped cream

#35. Know someone who knows someone who knows the Geico Caveman

#36. Give wedgies on the first date

#37. Converse with angels

#38. Use the word “scrumptious”

#39. Are Jim Cramer

#40. Own a calendar featuring babies dressed as firemen or cowboys

#41. Call “October” “Rocktober”

#42. Keep a “dream journal”

#43. Own slot-machine gloves

#44. Are the president of any fan club

#45. Weave and distribute friendship bracelets

#46. Own a coat rack in the shape of a body part

#47. Take off work each year to celebrate Cinco de Mayo; are Irish

#48. Have a dangerously high Thetan count

#49. Have been edited out of several Girls Gone Wild videos

#50. Categorize your lip balms according to flavor

#51. Refer to your Blackberry as a “Crackberry”

#52. Refer to your penis as “Da Mayor”

#53. Purchased your dining room set using “Marlboro Miles”

#54. Own a Steve Miller album that’s not Greatest Hits

#55. Use an electronic device to smoke pot

#56. Have ever responded to someone with, “That’s so typical for a Sagittarius”

#57. Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

#58. Live by two sartorial rules:

#1. Stonewashed

#2. Tapered

#59. Only feel truly alive in the Ren Faire jousting area

#60. Purchase meals solely for their tie-in products

#61. Hang a samurai sword in your cubicle

#62. Have entertained the notion that “The Axe Effect” is real

#63. Have ever dressed up as a penis or tampon for Halloween

#64. Consider Maroon 5 sort of “your group”

#65. Have taken at least one cell phone picture of a bowel movement

#66. Sport a patriotic “tramp stamp”

#67. Take advantage of the “eight movies at a time” Netflix option

#68. Have TiVo’ed the entire run of Criss Angel’s Mindfreak

#69. Set your clock radio each morning to a “Quiet Storm” station

#70. Have had something on your face since the late ’90s

#71. Sleep with only a shirt, Porky Pig style

#72. Own more than one copy of Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie

#73. Only feel truly alive in the virtual

#74. Refuse to drink any beer that has not been “beach-wood aged”

#75. Have nicknamed yourself the “Virgin Surgeon”

#76. Call sex “the squishy-squish” or “my cross to bear”

#77. Have taken a night course on improving your oral sex technique

#78. Write “I swear this chain letter really works!!!” in email subject lines

#79. Have a bedside stack of Find-the-Hidden-Object books

#80. Can only make love while blasting “Orinoco Flow” by Enya

#81. Steadfastly refuse to remove that birthmark in the shape of a swastika

#82. Have ever taken a date to a restaurant with license plates and antique rakes on the walls

#83. Describe yourself as a “chocoholic”

#84. Have a screensaver of you posing with your Frisbee-golf bros

#85. Consider yo-yo tricks a wonderful way to break the ice

#86. Define wearing an umbrella hat as your “calling card”

#87. Have created a website devoted to a long-deceased pet

#88. Close all correspondences with “Prayfully Yours”

#89. Grow overheated during Apple vs. PC debates

#90. Are known among your girlfriends as “Heavy Flow”

#91. Often quote lyrics from Jimmy Buffett’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise”

#92. Carry an All Things Considered tote bag

#93. Own all twenty-four volumes of “NOW: That’s What I Call Music!”

#94. Have a cute name for your third nipple

#95. Are learning how to play the knee-cymbals

#96. Have ever penned a poem inside a Starbucks

#97. Freelance as a House DJ

#98. Posted a Craigslist “Missed Connection” to find the kid who groped you on the subway

#99. Believe the mouth is self-cleaning

#100. Are Melissa Rivers

#101. Use shark cartilage supplements

#102. Consider riddles a great way to break the ice

#103. Have less body hair than your last three girlfriends

#104. Call Grey’s Anatomy simply “Grey’s”

#105. Rock the jorts-and-Tevas look

#106. Proudly display a Winnie the Pooh flag

#107. Have been known to spontaneously break out in a doo-wop song

#108. Are credited on Wikipedia for having invented the “Dirty Sanchez”

#109. Have a dart board in your kitchen

#110. Read “Prince Valiant” for its historical value

#111. Have taken more than one digital photo of your genitals

#112. Pepper your conversation with the words “Bennifer,” “celebutante” and “blogosphere”

#113. Burn joss sticks

#114. Got a puggle to keep your golden doodle company

#115. Have performed a Vagina Monologue

#116. Really miss Anna Nicole

#117. Are “In a Relationship” on Facebook and “It’s Complicated”

#118. Are often heard saying, “I’ll try anything once”

#119. Bring your camera to Happy Hour

#120. Still collect Absolut ads

#121. Were known in the ’70s as “The Kissing Bandit”

#122. Argue the virtues of Horny Goat Weed versus Weekend Prince

#123. Are a “two-pump chump”

#124. Emulate the fashion sense exhibited by the Rastafarian culture

#125. Learned everything you know about relationships from Kevin Smith movies

#126. Think the energy crisis can be solved with crystals

#127. Showed up at the place you promised to meet your high school friends ten years earlier

#128. Have only one pickup line: “Hi, I once beat to death an elderly deaf man.”

#129. Keep telling women, “I’m just looking for that special someone to replace my therapist, cleaning woman, and dominatrix.”

#130. Have the middle name “Adolf”

#131. Don’t like to brag, but you’re pretty good at tubin’

#132. Sold your forehead to goldenpalace.com

#133. Relish the metaphorical dexterity in AC/DC’s “Big Balls”

#134. Believe that irony + facial hair = laughs

#135. Own a monogrammed sex toy

#136. Just borrowed a copy of this magazine from your cell mate

#137. Use the word “irregardless”

#138. Have given your pubic hair a “junior executive” cut

#139. Just want someone with whom to share your iPod Earbuds

#140. Own a well-thumbed Dating for Dummies

#141. Raise iguanas

#142. Have an essentially unattractive appearance and/or personality

–with Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, and Teddy Wayne