102 Self-Help Books You Can Do Without

(Originally appeared in Radar, October 2007)

#1. I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Get Off My Face

#2. He’s Just Not That Into You: He’s Into Your Hotter, Less Whiny Friend

#3. Seven Habits of Highly Successful Dock Whores

#4. The Book About Angels for Morons

#5. Suck It Up: No One in the Sudan Has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

#6. Chicken Soup for the Impotent

#7. Six Weeks and $80,000 in Elective Surgery to a Better You

#8. All I Really Need to Know I’ve Ignored Since Medical School

#9. Suicide: Do It

#10. The Tapeworm Diet

#11. Who Moved My Bowels?

#12. A Friendly Guide to Cockfighting

#13. One Birth Under a Groove: An Extraordianary Guide to Natural Childbirth at Jam-Band Festivals

#14. 101 Things You Might Have Accomplished if You Could Travel Back in Time to the Moment You Began Reading This Book Title

#15. Giving Yourself a Colonic . . . the Ancient Native-American Way

#16. 101 Inspirational Speeches to Deliver in the Midst of a Race Riot

#17. What the Bible Says About Asians

#18. Seducing Women with Only Your Guile, Your Positive Attitude, Your Huge Cock, and $1,000,000 in Cash

#19. Feel Better With Fudge!

#20. Bill O’Reilly: Who’s Lookin’ Out for Your Loofah Zone?

#21. Anal Only: Raising Your Christian Teen as a Technical Virgin

#22. Tokyo on $750 a Day

#23. 1,001 Vocabulary Words to Memorize But Not Grasp the Nuances of

#24. Life Sucks: Committing To Cynicism For The Long Haul

#25. Shut Up About Your Dead Wife Already! Dating After 60

#26. Really, Must You? Sex After 70

#27. Artist, Inventor, Genius: How to Think Like Leonardo (DiCaprio)

#28. Buy Low, Eat Crayons: Stock Market Advice From a Retarded Person

#29. The Three Numbers That Just Might Help You Win Powerball

#30. Breaking the Yeast Curse With Deepak Chopra

#31. The Joy of Grave Robbing

#32. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex But Were Tasered for Asking Previously

#33. Loving What the Hell’s Her Name? A Guide for the Parent of the Unexceptional Child

#34. Conquer Loneliness . . . One Flamboyant Moustache Style at a Time

#35. The South Coney Island Beach Diet

#36. GARY IZ A FAG: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls

#37. I’m Okay, You’re Suffering From an Incredibly Rare Strain of Tuberculosis

#38. Children’s Unopened and Unanswered Letters to God

#39. The Elusive Male Orgasm

#40. TRACY U NEED TO GET YOUR OWN MAN CUZ YOU A SKANK! The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls for Women

#41. Conflict Resolution, the Pol Pot Way

#42. “I’ll Give You Something to Cry About”: Insights and Inspiration From Alcoholic Dads

#43. Conquer Loneliness . . . Fifteen Cats at a Time

#44. 12 Days to a Thinner, Weirder-Looking Penis

#45. 20 Places to Visit Before They’re Ethnically Cleansed

#46. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (And It’s All Small Stuff): Unless You’re Reading This in a Burn Unit

#47. The Child of Your Field Hockey Coach Has Two Mommies

#48. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amputation

#49. Zen and the Art of Eating a Hoagie

#50. So, You’re Attracted to Grandma

#51. I Beat Cancer Using the Power of Laughter, and a Rigorous and Painful Schedule of Chemotherapy

#52. If You Don’t Buy Exactly 73 Copies of This Book, Something Terrible Will Happen: Mastering Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

#53. What Color Are Your Parachute Pants?

#54. Numerology: Unleash the Cosmic Power of Second-Grade Math

#55. 437 Middle-Age Women Share Anecdotes About Menopause for Some Reason

#56. Flavor Flav’s Illustrated Kama Sutra

#57. God Is Great! (But Can He Help Me with My Horrific Gas?)

#58. Dr. Phil Grudgingly Fulfills His Publishing Contract: The Audiotape

#59. Your Values Are Just So Sickeningly Bourgeois: An Oberlin Sophomore Sets You Straight

#60. Masturbate Your Way to Success

#61. Yesterday Was Yesterday: Living Each New Day as if You Hadn’t Already Ruined Your Life

#62. Break Your Caffeine Addiction! . . . One Crushed Ritalin Tablet at a Time

#63. Neurosurgery for Dummies

#64. Six Weeks to Thicker Ankles

#65. Half on the Fridge, Half on the Countertop: And 364 Other Meth-Fueled Sex Positions

#66. Are You Sure You Want Seconds? Instilling Your Child’s Eating Disorder

#67. How to Neglect the Clitoris

#68. 101 Half-Truths to Tell Your Mother About the Nursing Home

#69. The All Food-Court Diet

#70. You Have No Idea What Sadness Is, Young Man

#71. 1000 Reasons Why Everyone Hates Your Stupid Face

#72. My Bottom Is My Own: Explaining Incarceration To Kids

#73. The Buttafuoco Touch

#74. I Live in the Woods Beneath a Sheet of Corrugated Cardboard—And You Can, Too!

#75. Drink Yourself Married

#76. Natural Cures Using Counterfeit Pharmaceuticals “They” Don’t Want You to Know About

#77. “I Am a Highly Successful Internet Entrepreneur with Many Wonderful Friends,” and 300 Other Ironclad Lies for Your 20-Year High School Reunion

#78. Coping With Your Hideous Vagina

#79. I Think My Pimp Has an Anger Problem

#80. Unlocking the Genius You’ve Kept in Your Basement for Two Years

#81. Git R Done: A Comprehensive, Hilarious Guide to Healing Your Child’s Autism, by Larry the Cable Guy

#82. YOU: Grimly Eating Lunch Alone in Your Car

#83. Discovering the Feminist You,” by Dr. Maxxx Poonhound

#84. Complaining Your Way Into His Heart

#85. I Think Def Leppard’s Pretty Rad, Too: Communicating With Today’s Teenager

#86. The Enlightened Nut Vendor

#87. Move the Fuck to Florida, Already: A Commonsense Approach to Seasonal Affective Disorder

#88. Meditation: The Restorative Power of Boredom

#89. It’s Okay To Smell Like Feet

#90. AIDS, SchmAIDS

#91. No-Nonsense Investment Tips From an Assistant Manager at Radio Shack

#92. Sorry, Only Happy People Can Get Pregnant

#93. Controlling Your Rage With Arson

#94. Nostradamus’s Predictions About Your Shitty Life

#95. The Dalai Lama Wants You to Have a Jet Ski

#96. Now What, Ya Asshole? Life Counseling for the Recently Fired

#97. Multitasking While Weeping

#98. Does Jesus Love Cupcakes As Much As I Do?

#99. A Spiritual Solution to that Nasty Rash on Your Inner Thigh

#100. Sweetie, Four of a Kind Is Normally a Very Special Hand: Explaining to Your Child How You Just Lost the Cat in a Poker Game

#101. Listening to Your Inner Cocaine Voice

#102. The Great Imam Fatima Hamid, Praise Be His Name, He of the Islamic Republic of Iran, His Honorable Guide to Lovemaking

”“with Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, and Teddy Wayne