147 Signs You’re in the Wrong Relationship

(Originally appeared in Radar, April 2008)

#1. Instead of kissing you, she sniffs your genitals

#2. After six months together, you still only know him as “071782”

#3. You’re stuck permanently in “fight or flight” mode

#4. You finish each other’s silences

#5. Maury Povich’s people keep wooing you with gift baskets

#6. She’s started couples counseling, with another man

#7. That big line of duct tape down the center of your bed

#8. You keep a “go bag” at his apartment

#9. You fought so much you had to break up your video game rock band

#10. The erotic highlight of your week is “Whip It Out Wednesday”

#11. You think fondly of the sanitation worker who called your butt “redonkulous” this morning

#12. Even your mutual orgasms now tend to be sarcastic

#13. You’re making it work for the sake of her stuffed animals

#14. He stopped turning over his photo of his grandmother before sex

#15. The “L” sounds have returned to “My Wittle Wovemuffin”

#16. You come home to find a trail of rose petals leading to a note that reads, “Went to orgy. Don’t wait up.”

#17. Your “Sleep Numbers” add up to 666

#18. Instead of “I do,” you said “Sure, I guess”

#19. She keeps accidentally stabbing you

#20. Her parents still think you’re the gardener

#21. She only wears her rape whistle around the house

#22. Your kids have started referring to you as “That Man”

#23. To get out of “date night,” you hired a stranger to shoot you in the ass

#24. He kisses you goodbye through a hole in a sheet–he’s not an Orthodox Jew

#25. She’s desperately trying to set you up with her gay friends

#26. For your one-year anniversary, he bought you a copy of He’s Just Not Into You

#27. You’ve started wearing your wedding ring on your middle finger

#28. Your marriage counselor frisks you before each session

#29. Lifetime Television has optioned your relationship for movie rights

#30. You’re saving hygiene for someone who really loves you

#31. Open marriage boundaries have been widened to include divorce

#32. She lost patience with you having to shoot cocaine into your penis before the kids open their Christmas presents

#33. More and more, you’re feeling abandoned. Usually as you run after your wife’s car.

#34. Whenever “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” comes on the radio, you find yourself taking notes

#35. You were traded to another inmate for off-brand cigarettes

#36. She won’t tell you why all her friends call her “The Guzzler”

#37. Hanging above her bed is a framed “Certificate of Completion” for the world’s biggest gangbang

#38. You role-play as “Guy With A Will To Live” and “Girl Who Doesn’t Cry After Sex”

#39. On your birthday, you received a cake that says “We Need To Talk” in black icing

#40. You caught him masturbating to Kramer vs. Kramer

#41. It’s been over a week since you last received food in the basement pit

#42. Every evening, she dusts your genitals for fingerprints

#43. Your respective Christmas stockings say “Shrew” and “Let’s End This Charade, Doug”

#44. Maury Povich’s people keep wooing you with gift baskets

#45. You recently renewed your vows at an OTB

#46. These days, you can barely muster the energy to punch each other

#47. He brought his Gameboy to your abortion

#48. He’s on a first-name basis with the entire staff at Bangkok International Airport

#49. “Dinner” has become throwing a few Lunchables at your head

#50. Your spouse asks for your help writing his or her Nerve profile

#51. You don’t own a pool, but do have a pool boy

#52. Your friends refer to the two of you as “Biggie” and “Tupac”

#53. You deliberately puncture your tires two blocks from your house just to have an excuse to smoke a cigarette and wait for a tow truck

#54. Her dogs hate you, as do her cats, salamanders, trained rats, macaws, ferrets, cousins, high school friends, and hermit crabs

#55. Your response to “Does this shirt make me look fat?” is “No, you make it look fat”

#56. When he kisses you on New Year’s Eve, he says, “Here’s to another bearable year”

#57. Her burly big brother pins you to the ground and makes you hit yourself in the face

#58. The classes you took together for swing dancing and Cambodian stir-fry seem almost useless

#59. You mutually fill-out the Sunday Times crossword through a conflict-resolution expert

#60. She’s a mannequin and you’re the only one who’s seen her come to life

#61. Your partner makes vague, ominous remarks such as, “I’m leaving for my sister’s house on Tuesday morning at 9:30 and never coming back.”

#62 Out of nowhere, the cashier at the grocery says, “Don’t worry, five inches is almost average.”

#63. You’ve awoken each other’s bi-curiosity

#64. After every argument he says, “I wouldn’t have to put up with this if we were in the Taliban.”

#65. His pet name for you is “Chief”

#66. Your bed-and-breakfast weekend ends with a hostage negotiation

#67. Although it’s not a special occasion, you sometimes call just to whisper, “You’ve stolen my youth”

#68. His last name is Montague-McCoy; yours is Capulet-Hatfield

#69. You communicate in sign-language and neither of you are deaf

#70. Your nightly sex has earned pity applause from the neighborhood Peeping Tom

#71. You’re afraid of Virginia Woolf

#72. For some reason, she no longer wants to be saved from her pimp

#73. You sold your hair to buy him a watch fob; he sold your iPod to buy a case of Jagermeister

#74. You’ve been nostalgic lately for your childhood spent in the Killing Fields of Cambodia

#75. It’s been six years already, and you’ve yet to meet his conjoined brother

#76. Your doorbell rings “Taps”

#77. The nightly fight over who gets the top bunk

#78. You finish each others’ sentences with “and I’m a big cry-baby idiot”

#79. Facebook relationship status: “Why me, God?”

#80. At your class reunion, you introduce your partner as “the reason I’m on Paxil.”

#81. While watching The Accused together, your husband turned to you and said, “You know, we should buy a pinball machine for the house.”

#82. He proposed to you on Twitter

#83. Vultures are circling over your gondola ride

#84. Each year on your wedding anniversary he gets another tear-drop tattoo

#85. Your score on the Cosmo compatibility quiz is “Kafkaesque”

#86. Your engagement ring is made of calamari

#87. The parrot won’t stop saying, “I’m sorry, I just can’t go through the motions anymore”

#88. The two of you dress as Claus and Sunny von Bulow for Halloween

#89. Amy Winehouse just wrote a song about you

#90. You never forget to say “I love you.” You just never actually say it.

#91. The two of you are stranded on an island. You both fuck fruit.

#92. I guess women just don’t like nice guys with Little Dutch Boy fetishes

#93. During an appearance on Wife Swap, your first question for your new family was: “Wait . . . where’s my bamboo cage?”

#94. You miss having your dead mother-in-law around as a buffer during the holidays

#95. Your family crest features a cock fight

#96. Your name, tattooed on his chest, has somehow morphed into a Jamaican Bart Simpson

#97. You’ve just finished your first work of fiction: My Wife, the Cunt

#98. At your last Tupperware party, you asked the hostess if she had any containers large enough to hold all of your regrets

#99. This morning you discovered your bicycle built for two had been sawed in half

#100. You’ve started reading How Stella Got Her Groove Back with a highlighter

#101. Your wedding videographer was Joe Francis

#102. You scream “Take That!” during orgasm

#103. You each separately live-blogged your honeymoon

#104. His idea of bringing some adventure into your relationship is “ass to mouth”

#105. Your partner insists on naming all of your children “George Foreman, Jr.”

#106. The last time you argued, Michael Vick had $5,000 riding on it

#107. You can’t vacation in Paris because he just spent all the money on ringtones

#108. He keeps postponing your wedding to catch up on his Tivo queue

#109. She swims nude with the dolphins every chance she gets. The Miami Dolphins.

#110. He spent your vacation fund on his-and-hers Scientology audits

#111. Your pronunciations of the word “potato” are woefully at odds

#112. He thought it would be hilarious to make your first wedding dance “My Ding-A-Ling”

#113. The grotesquely long-nosed man who used to supply your words of love just up and quit on you

#114. The last time you read “The Lockhorns” on the comics page, you just shook your head and said, “They don’t know how good they’ve got it.”

#115. Your wedding has been pushed back from June to “Not If You Fucking Paid Me”

#116. You start indulging in behaviors you know will irritate your partner—belching, smoking, human trafficking

#117. Your wedding vows were written by Eugene O’Neill / Edward Albee / Joan Didion

#118. You met two years ago at a masquerade party, and she still refuses to remove her mask

#119. Only three weeks into your relationship and you’re starting to feel like you’re the kidnapping victim

#120. He informs you that you are now the property of his old boss, based on last night’s poker game

#121. “How was work?” “You’re not my goddamn mother, okay?”

#122. It’s no longer “good enough” that you only work one night a month at Starbucks

#123. When he kisses you on New Year’s Eve, he says, “Here’s to another good week”

#124. “Did you say ‘feed’ your cat? It sounded a lot like ‘euthanize.’”

#125. You’re bitterly jealous of the people who are sad and unloved on Valentine’s Day

#126. You’re a member of ’70s-era Fleetwood Mac

#127. Last time you made the beast with two backs, it attacked and killed a neighbor’s dog

#128. He’s a Shriner, and lately he’s been shrinin’ till all hours

#129. You have make-up sex after make-up sex

#130. Your couples therapist recommended electroshock

#131. Your bullying goes totally unappreciated

#132. The best man at your wedding was Joey Buttafuoco

#133. The only thing keeping you together is your shared passion for pewter

#134. You go to the zoo just to cock-block the animals that mate for life

#135. You start indulging in behaviors you know will irritate your partner–belching, smoking, human trafficking

#136. Of the things you like to do in bed, sex ranks close to “night sweating after a garlic binge”

#137. His Borat impressions during sex aren’t cute anymore

#138. You’re Paula Abdul; he’s MC Skat Kat

#139. You flush the slightest irreplaceable heirloom down the toilet, and your girlfriend gets all huffy

#140. When you reach for her in bed, she cringes and says, “Your touch is like the pitiless touch of the Reaper.”

#141. After every argument he says, “I wouldn’t have to put up with this if we were in the Taliban.”

#142. Despite everything, you sometimes can’t help gazing at your beloved as she sleeps. Roofies are awesome.

#143. He wants to name your firstborn “Saddam”

#144. Whenever you have friends over for dinner, they arrive wearing Kevlar vests

#145. Only three weeks into your relationship and you’re starting to feel like you’re the kidnapping victim, not her

#146. The “sandwich” she’s named after you: a Vienna sausage loosely placed in an oversized Pita pocket

#147. You’re going to tape this list onto your refrigerator

–with Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, and Ted Travelstead