Game Show Catchphrases That Never Quite Caught On

(Originally appeared on McSweeney's, June 6 2006)

“So . . . do you want to lick it, pump it, or tickle it?”

“What do you want to do about the snake? Would you like to buy it for two hundred dollars or would you like to pay a little extra for the raccoon that looks like it could or could not be rabid? The choice is yours, but make a decision quickly because the raccoon is going to be released one way or the other, thanks.”

Studio audience (in unison): “TIME TO FIND THE CASHEW!!!”

“Pull the plug, or let your mother lie in a vegetative state for another few years?”

“I’m-a gonna kiss you. Happy? Scared?”

“Congratulations! You must now make a decision as to whether or not one of your twins will be sat upon by that fat man in silhouette eating a glazed donut behind the lacy curtains.”

“A job that you don’t like all too much, or hanging around at home for the rest of your life in paper slippers, watching reruns of this very show?”

“It’s time for this young contestant to decide how much he wants to live! Please release the insane man dressed as the albino killer from the 1978 Chevy Chase movie ‘Foul Play’!”

“Time is running out. What’s your final answer regarding this large, red sore on my neck?”

“Studio audience, help me out! There’s only one way to win on this game show and that’s to . . . CRAP! YOUR! PANTS!”

–with Ted Travelstead