Justin Bieber’s Life for the Next 35 Years!
(Originally appeared on GQ.com, February 2014)
March 6, 2014 . . . Drag races his souped-up Segway straight off the Santa Monica Pier. “Exhaustion” is blamed. Also, “a ton of very powerful illegal drugs.”
January 14, 2015 . . . Quickly balloons to a massive 450 pounds due to a steady diet of Jamaican beef patties and diet Dr Pepper. Pens his first obese-themed song, “Powdering My Folds.” The song reaches #236 in Canada.
August 16, 2015 . . . Blamed for a massive earthquake in Peru after convincing his South American Beliebers to jump up and down for ten days straight. Says he meant no harm and was just trying to “do some cool science and shit.”
April 2, 2016 . . . Proudly stands atop the “H” in the HOLLYWOOD sign and gives the world the finger. “Take that, world!” he screams. Falls three stories and breaks his pelvis.
April 14, 2017 . . . Arrested at 3:30 a.m. for serenading Selena Gomez outside her bedroom window while holding a Boom Box above his head blasting “Highway to Hell.” Selena gently closes the window.
May 11, 2018 . . . Discovered by the morning janitorial crew at the L.A. Zoo nude and spooning a female lion, gently murmuring, “Mommy??”
June 18, 2019 . . . A grainy bootleg tape is “leaked” to YouTube featuring Bieber and what is believed to be a transvestite prostitute having wild sex.
June 19, 2019 . . . No, just Bieber alone, in low light, brushing his luxuriant hair in front of a three-way mirror.
March 3, 2020 . . . Justin Bieber Jr. is born, the first of nineteen sons. To celebrate, daddy takes a selfie of himself giving the peace sign in front of a stranger’s vagina.
August 28, 2020 . . . Gets a Chinese symbol tattoo on his forehead that reads: “What the Fuck Did I Do?”
June 25, 2021 . . . Bieber and his adopted monkey, Sprinkles, participate in an illegal Ayahuasca hallucinogenic ceremony. Both end up in the middle of Wilshire Boulevard, slow dancing.
May 27, 2022 . . . Eggs his own house and then calls the cops. Bieber refuses to press charges.
February 9, 2023 . . . Invents an illegal concoction called “Slizzurp,” consisting of codeine, Prozac, mint Life Savers, barbecue Dipsy Doodles, a sprinkle of nutmeg, three jiggers vanilla Yoo-hoo, a pinch of heroin, and a Krazy Straw. Makes him feel real good.
June 18, 2023 . . . Gets into an argument with a talking seagull while out walking on Malibu beach. “Exhaustion” is blamed. Also, “a 64-ounce cup of Slizzurp.”
June 25, 2024 . . . Saves the life of a passing motorist from her burning car, the same car he slammed into at 200 mph with his own kick-ass yellow Lamborghini.
July 4, 2025 . . . To celebrate Independence Day, urinates into a stolen golden bucket. No reason.
August 8, 2026 . . . Shaves off all his hair in order to sell the hair in order to be able to pay for the world’s most expensive diamond-encrusted comb. The irony is lost on him, but he does now own a diamond-encrusted comb.
July 5, 2028 . . . Crashes experimental space vehicle into the International Space Station while high on new synthetic meth-like drug, “FairyzBlood.”
October 21, 2028 . . . Trashes the Space Station’s penthouse while partying with his best buds and a group of hot intergalactic escorts.
February 22, 2029 . . . Video evidence surfaces of J.B. forcing a back-up dancer to drink a nine-gallon container of vegan turkey gravy. Lawyers claim it is “a fake.”
April 1, 2032 . . . Accidentally shoots and wounds his personal assistant, Marmalade, while trying to fake his own death for an April Fool’s video he was hoping would go viral.
October 30, 2031 . . . Defaults on loan that was used to purchase an expensive new form of hair plugs.
May 5, 2034 . . . Arrested for shoplifting a banana-shaped telephone from the Honey Creek Mall in Terre Haute, Indiana. Signs deal for subsequent mug shot to be sponsored by Hardee’s.
September 14, 2050 . . . Animal rights activists gather outside Bieber’s Montana ranch complaining that he’s trying to breed a “super race” of donkeys by injecting them with steroids and high-priced thoroughbred semen. Lawyers claim such accusations are “completely true.”
September 18, 2051 . . . Old and bloated, bald and sickly, steals a kick-ass pink rocket ship and flies off into outer space—but not before spitting at, punching, and running over an astronaut taking photos of Earth.
Eternity . . . Tweens of the future! Look up at the night sky and you might just see the remains of a fallen star! Make a wish and wave hello! Keep orbiting forever, Bieb!