More Better in Theory . . .

(Originally appeared in Esquire, July 1 2006.
Written with Ted Travelstead.)


A sponge-bath from the “overnight” nurse

Licking the alphabet “down there”

Home golf simulators

An SNL Digital Short

Hearing a neighbor couple “get it on”

Ripping up a parking ticket

Titty cams

Homemade sausage

The “Casual Encounters” section on Craigslist

Rick Rubin-produced comebacks

“Outsider” art

A weekend at the paintball tourney, just you and your co-workers

Sex instruction books written by cast members of “Sex & The City”

Selling all of your earthly possessions to make a “statement”

Pub crawlin’ your way through the suburbs

Summer camp reunions

Steely Dan

Herbal cures for erectile dysfunction

Remaining friends

Apple butter

Your favorite T-shirt that reads “Free Mustache Rides”

Good old-fashioned Southern hospitality

All gym memberships

“Quick toasting” your bread over a gas burner

Any Bond with the exception of Sean Connery

The “Salsa & Fixins” bar

A Ping-Pong table in lieu of “traditional” furniture

The thesaurus

Abandoning the life of royalty to marry a commoner

Danny Elfman’s “whimsical” movie scores

“Word-a-Day” calendars

That nighttime sniffling, sneezing, so you can rest medicine

Riding your bike to work

Convincing a stripper that you’re “different from the rest”

The two-hundred-dollar waffle maker

Anything by Norah Jones as your “wedding song”

Microwavable bacon

Taking up darts

Night courses on how to pick up women

Spending “700 Sundays” with Billy Crystal

Owning a pet snake

Joining the office softball team to meet that cute girl in accounting

Working with Phil Spector after 1970

The category “Potent Potables”

Pamela Anderson’s saline-bag-stuffed tits

Being serenaded by steel drummers

The back-story to Tupac’s deep-seated rage

Any kid, any Spielberg movie

Earning $100 from a Morning Zoo DJ for a stunt that can only bring shame to you and your entire family

“Destination” weddings

Puppets who talk dirty

Meals made “table side”

Learning to play guitar in “three easy lessons”

Your “dream job”

HBO documentaries on middle-aged swingers

The cacophony of children’s laughter

Flying Hooters Air

Chimps who act surprisingly human


Martinis for dessert

Bad-ass scooter helmets

Skits on rap CDs

Desperate housewives, the real ones

Emotycoms in break-up emails

Seizing the day

Paris Hilton, vertical

Screen-savers that feature your frat bros

Premium flavored popcorn

“Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel

The edible “bread bowl” at T.G.I. Friday’s

Animal bloopers

A “Sundance Favorite”

Season 3 of any television show on DVD

Wilford Brimley’s integrity as a spokesperson

A week at Burning Man, just you and your pup tent

A Halloween costume that involves secondary sex characteristics

Telling off your boss because it was “long overdue”

Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Self-diagnosing a serious medical condition with a little help from Wikipedia


A commencement speech delivered by Bono

Experimenting with sex positions you’ve learned about on

Trophy walls

Arriving at your high school reunion in a stretch SUV

Sleeping ‘neath the stars

“Exclusive” interviews with Robert De Niro

First dates at a piano bar

The initially inaccessible but ultimately rewarding oeuvre of Thom Yorke

Upscale boutique T-shirts

The “Do Unto Others” commandment

Families that consist of more than fifteen adopted children

Penning a love song for that “very special someone”

The nudity on the Lifetime Channel birthing documentaries

“Onion Loafs”

Jokingly outbidding everyone at the celebrity charity auction to win a “day of fun” with Larry King

The “too-dangerous-for-the-mainstream” theories of Noam Chomsky

The mind-bending plot of “Donnie Darko”

Every “humorist” who’s ever appeared on NPR’s “This American Life”

–with Ted Travelstead